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If someone that you know is in a
dangerous or potentially dangerous relationship there are some things you
can do to help. One thing that you have to keep in mind, is that you are not
there to tell them what to do, all you can do is help them see the abuse for
what it is and help them see options. The worst thing you can do is tell
them what to do or that they have to leave the relationship. This will only
alienate them from you and they won't feel that they can come to you for
support anymore.
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First it is important to remember that
they are not victims of domestic violence, but survivors. Victims are not
around to tell their stories; survivors have survived the abuse.
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Let them know that you care and are
willing to listen. Encourage the victim to talk about what they are feeling,
and listen without interrupting. Don't force them to talk about the issue,
but allow them to confide at their own pace. If they do choose to talk about
the abuse, ask them how and what questions, not why questions.
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Validate and normalize their feelings.
Let them know what they are feeling is normal for the situation that they
are in.
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Be empathetic, but do not pity them.
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It is very important that you believe
what they are saying. It is very hard for someone who has been a victim of
domestic violence to talk about what has happened to them and they may not
ever tell again if they are not taken seriously.
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Be non-judgmental. People often tend to
unintentionally judge someone who is in a violent relationship. It is
important that you not say things such as " If I were you, I would leave."
You do not know what you would do if you were them.
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Never blame the person for what has
happened to them. Never ask them what they did to make the abuser mad. They
need to be reminded constantly that nothing they did caused the abuse. The
abuser chose to be abusive.
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Acknowledge their strengths. Often we
think people who stay in violent relationships are weak, when in actuality
they are very strong. It takes a lot of strength to be able to survive an
abusive relationship. They can use this strength when they are ready to
leave the relationship.
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Let him/her know that even if they are
not ready to get out of the relationship, you will still be there for
support.
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Confront them with the danger that they
are in. Help them make a safety plan for themselves and their children.
Contact your local domestic violence shelter for information on making a
safety plan.
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Offer them support but do not try to
rescue them. Do not do everything for them. If you try to rescue the victim,
it only increases their stress levels, and may add to their feeling of
inadequacy. You do not want to give them the impression that you think they
are helpless.
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Encourage them to make choices and to
take back control of their life. Up until this point their abuser made all
the decision for them.
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Point out the positives. He/she survived
the abuse.
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Never tell them that you know how they
feel or that you understand, because no one can completely understand what
they are going through.
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Offer options but respect their choices.
Become informed about domestic violence and your local domestic violence
shelter. Call your local domestic violence shelter to see what options are
available in your area.
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If the victim does decide to leave the
relationship, keep up the support. Do not be upset with them if they return.
Each person has his or her own reasons for returning.
