How Family Violence Affects Children
Every year millions of children witness violence in their homes. Seeing or hearing violence among family members hurts children in many ways. They do not have to be hit to feel the pain of violence.
The costs of family violence are high. It takes a severe toll on children. Many develop serious physical, mental and emotional problems. Without intervention, the effects can last a lifetime. It creates a cycle of violence. Children from violent homes may grow up to become the next generation of adult abusers and victims. Family violence affects us all. The problems caused by family violence – crime, broken families, etc. – hurt every community.
Chaos—The children may never know what to expect at home. Their parent’s mood can change instantly from loving to enraged.
Fear and Tension—The daily anger and violence create a living nightmare for the children. They may grow up being afraid of everything – and trusting no one.
Danger—Often, they’re the intended victims of one or both parents. Other times, they get caught in the middle and are hurt – or killed – by accident.
Confusion—The children often receive mixed messages. For example:
At school, they learn hitting is wrong.
At home, they learn that hitting is used to “solve” problems.
Isolation—Often, an abusive parent shuts off the family from the outside world. And, the children may withdraw from their peers and other adults too.
Hopelessness—The children often blame themselves for the violence, but they may feel powerless to prevent, stop or escape from it.
Love/Hate Relationship—They may feel protective of an abused parent. But, they may also resent him or her for not stopping the abuse.
Sometimes, they may feel close to the abuser. Other times, they may hope he or
she goes away – or dies.
Positive influences in a child’s life can help him or her overcome the negative ones.
These may include:
Positive role models—Many children who grow up with violence credit a relative, teacher or friend’s parent with showing them a better way – and giving them love.
Family support—Being close to brothers and sisters (or other relatives) helps children feel loved and needed.
Community support—Positive youth activities and mentoring programs give children a chance to learn new skills. It also helps them have a sense of purpose in life and build self-esteem.
Individual therapy—Can help family members rebuild self-esteem, learn to trust again and develop healthy ways to express emotions.
Group therapy and self-help support groups—Can provide support for people who have similar experience. MSDVC has a children’s as well as a women’s group.
Programs for abusers—To help them understand that they and only they are responsible for their abusive behavior and that only they can stop the behavior.
Set clear limits—Let the child know your rules and limits. Be consistent in how you reward success and how you deal with misbehavior.
Help reduce stress—A child from a violent home is under a lot of stress. Create a calm, safe environment with soft music, “quiet times,” etc.
Be honest—A child may want you to fix a family problem. Let him or her know what you can – and can’t – do to help. Don’t make promises you can’t keep.
Encourage play—Help a child break free from the isolation. Provide lots of opportunities for play, especially with other children.
Promote healthy self-expression—Teach the child to express feelings through talking, writing, drawing and music, not violence.
Build self-esteem—Encourage the child to believe that he or she is worthy of love, not abuse. Offer choices – and guide the child to making the right decisions.
Teach self-control—Help the child stay in control when angry or frustrated (by counting to 20, taking a timeout, breathing slowly, etc.)
Promote nonviolence—Discourage children from fighting and teasing. Encourage cooperation and tolerance.
Teach conflict resolution skills—For example, here’s one way to resolve conflict:
calm down, stop fighting or calling names
talk over possible solutions – and their consequences
pick one solution, try it out
get help if you can’t agree, or if the solution doesn’t work out
Teach personal safety rules—Help children from violent homes make a safety plan – and practice it. The plan should include:
escape routes
safe places to go if there’s a fight
how to call for help